Empty Buckets

I've known for months that Tatum needs more from me. Braiden, too, but to a lesser extent because he's been a little more shielded from the craziness of the summer and because he's at a more independent age. But he has felt the crazy.

This last week since we've been out of radiation, I've been spending more equal time with the big kids. Just trying to get back to how things were and fill up their buckets as much as I can. Tatum still has extra sass and a bit of a defiance to her. And a paper-thin temper. She gets mad at minor things, hits and screams, and cries more than usual. So I discipline the behavior, try to get her more play time than she's had, and cry over it privately. I have a tender spot for it because I know it's from a deficit on my part. I also know I can help her get it under control over time.

I'm realizing that Quinn's bucket and mine might be the emptiest. Yesterday we were in Teague's room and Quinn picked up the radiation mask. It's been sitting on the dresser for the past week. He said, "Let's put this where we don't have to look at it," and I replied, "Yeah. We're done with that." I was starting to add, "I hope," but was already crying.

Today I was cleaning and found a piece of clear film from one of Teague's sterile dressings under the bed. The words, "That was so hard," ran through my mind with images of that film covering a tube that went right into the little chest, and I cried again.

I threw away the Sharps container with all the line flush syringes in it, and as it went into the bin, I felt hate for it. I don't think I've ever hated an object.

I didn't have time during radiation to think about it being hard. I knew it was, but I couldn't let it affect me, and I couldn't be scared. Now I can, and the emotions are coming out any way they can. It's all the shoved-aside emotion from what we've been through and all the what-if fear of it not being over. I can't stand to think of the possibility (however slim) that Teague will have to do this all again.

Functionally, we are improving every day. We can feel the upswing. We're more rested, and our schedule is more normal. We're doing more fun things. This last week we've been swimming, fishing, four-wheeling, and to a parade. We're making the most of our one-month summer. I had no idea how bad the funk was until we started to climb out.