Now I have time to wrap my brain around what we've been doing for the last 10 days. Cancer. And here's what's getting to me. They called it garden-variety ependymoma. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can use the term "garden variety" to describe things like the common cold or pot holes or cat poop, but not cancer.
To a surgeon, sure. He removes 80 brain tumors every year. He sees one that's in the same spot as Teague's every other week. To a pathologist, yeah. All they ever look at is scary crap that shouldn't be happening. But to me, cancer is not something that's part of everyday life. Garden variety, my butt.
Now I'm terrified. Every time I see that incision up the back of my kid's head, my heart sinks and I think, "Holy cow, he had his head cut open." Now I have more questions about the no-chemo thing. Now I'm ready to read, read, read.
That first follow-up MRI can't come fast enough. I can't bear to think that Teague might not be over this hurdle. I'm trying to think in the past tense. My kid had cancer. But I just don't know that for sure. I am not convinced that this is over, and I can't stand that. I don't want my little boy to suffer any more.
Teague, on the other hand, is improving. He's eating better and playing more, and only occasionally complains that his head hurts. He hates when I put ointment on the stitches (which are almost dissolved now). He'll point to his head and say, "Head," and I'll ask him if it hurts. He'll say, "No," because he doesn't like the Motrin. Rascal.
I think I'll try to pattern my attitude after his and enjoy life between MRIs. I'll get right on that once I'm done processing everything.
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It's a lot of information in a short amount of time. I am amazed at how well you have all done! You are pretty amazing, and processing it all will take time. In the meantime, enjoy your little boy and being home!!
ReplyDeleteSara, we have been waiting for this. When you are in the middle of the trial, you let the prayers and faith carry you. You are so busy dealing you don't have time to think. Now you are home, there is time. Time to think, and wonder what if. Just remember the feeling of all those prayers and the comfort you had. We are all still thinking of your family and the prayers are still being said.
ReplyDeleteYou should check into a counciling group. My aunt had breast cancer and they gave her some one to talk to. There was a group that met as well. But just to have someone to talk to who knows all the stages of grief and stress you are going to go through might help.
I am no expert, but you can call me to. We love you and think of you daily.
I'm so glad you guys are home. I know it is a huge relief. Ok- but you have got to CALM DOWN!I know you want to be informed, and you should be. But...be careful not to get wrapped up in all the literature... they are going to tell you every freaky thing that could happen. Remember, the Dr. told you the "come back" rate is the same with or with out chemo. I will pray for peace of mind and that you can enjoy each day with your precious family and that you will not be haunted with all the what ifs. God is BIGGER than cancer! Love you so much! You have handled this remarkably! Loved our talk the other day... call again soon!
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